Good questions,
Sandy! I think it's vital in healing to confront your parents, but you cannot force another person to do that. And it's not your current parents you need to confront (dead or alive) but the parents (and parent figures) in your childhood. We still carry these fears and pains inside of us and continue to respond the way we were taught (which was by punishment, threats, isolation, etc.) And because we were never allowed to see and recognize the brutality of our parents' actions, we blame ourselves, one way or the other, amplified by the accusing language of the parents. We literally act with a child's consciousness, a piece that never developed any further.
How do you get rid of pain that comes from your childhood? I believe that by feeling that pain, it gets integrated and eventually isn't there anymore. But this is of course the hard part: how to get to that pain and this is where therapists separate from each other. First you lived a childhood in which you and your body did everything you could to suppress it or repress it, and as an adult, you have to do the opposite. Reading the books by Alice Miller, Arthur Janov, Susan Forward is a good step, but ultimately no one can feel the pain for you. I don't remember who said it, but every step forward comes from courage, and nothing else.
I used to be attracted to a woman who was depressed, unreachable, miserable, and pushed me away and pulled me back, just like my own mother was and did. Even reading these books, didn't change the way I felt about this woman and how I suffered because of it. It wasn't until the 4th time of rejection that I placed the pain in the child I once was, who longed after an understanding, loving, caring mother. After feeling this (which brought me to the edge of insanity), I no longer felt the attraction, and moved on with my life, which resulted in tremendously improved relationships. After some years, this woman contacted me again, and wanted me back in her life, which I wisely declined, because I honestly felt that I didn't need such abusive people in my life anymore.
But there were many defenses I had to recognize in myself and to break down. I wrote a whole novel about it inspired by those events in my life. I never thought about a 'cure' because I didn't feel ill and I didn't think it was about feeling better, but about feeling real. That's the biggest difference with how I felt then, that what I feel now is real.
Lloyd, true that people tend to re-create past abuse, in the hope that the outcome would be better now. And that people are indeed seldom aware of it. For me, I found it very difficult to be around nice people. I couldn't stand them and considered them fake and I was suspicious of their motives. I used to say to myself: the more people that hate me, the better I feel. I could deal with hatred. I couldn't deal with love. Love was threatening and my response to that was to avoid all loving gestures.
Sandi, you can read about the Harlow monkeys at:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow
Dennis